And Soon It Will Be Done

The marathon I’ve blogged incessantly about for months is finally this weekend.  Instead of feeling exciting, I find that I’m a strange combination of apprehensive and melancholy.

The apprehension I understand since nerves are normal before a race.  The melancholy is what is more surprising.  It’s not as if I relished the training.  I know I won’t miss running so much once the race is over.  Indeed, I’ve been saying for weeks how much I look forward to just being done.

I suspect my melancholy is born from the fact that I’m pretty convinced I will not make my goal.  I’m trying to justify the experience faced with anticipated disappointment.  I fear a mountain of regret, second guessing how I trained, lamenting my lack of mental fortitude.

I’ve spent the last few weeks trying to manage my expectations.  A few people have told me just to “have fun with it”, which is easy to say since most of them are much more accomplished runners than me.  Perhaps that is because they were able to follow their own advice.

I am trying to keep this whole thing in perspective.  Not accomplishing what I set out to do in this marathon is not a tragedy.  It will not portend failure for any future goals I have in life.  It does not impugn me as a person, no matter how much it feels like it would.  Life goes on.  It’s not as if world peace depends on me crossing the finish line at a certain time, which is a good thing since I could not fathom such pressure.

I reflect on the past four months and all the things that happened while we were training for this race.  I traveled through a super typhoon, logged countless miles on the treadmill, embraced a bedtime that most consider geriatric, said goodbye to a cheerleader and friend.  Four months is a long time to dedicate to anything, and now that the end is nigh, it feels like the end will be upon me too soon.  I probably won’t feel that way around mile 10, but it’s a nice reminder that the reward is the journey, not the destination.  I hope to carry that with me over all 26.2 miles.  If I can remember to do that, regardless of whether I make my goal or not, I know I will be able to have fun with it.