I have never been good about living in the moment. I am constantly looking ahead to brace myself
for problems that the worrier in me is wired to expect. It’s obviously not the most Zen state of
mind, but I justify my pessimism by feeling that if the issues I anticipate
never materialize, than whatever relief I feel is bonus good energy I wouldn’t
otherwise have had. It’s a lame
trade-off but one that’s worked for me, more or less.
My long runs have become a microcosm of my anxious approach
to life. I find myself anticipating – actually
fixating – on landmarks ahead on the course.
Once I pass them, I allow myself a brief moment of relief before moving
on to the next one. I find this keeps me
fairly motivated and breaks up an otherwise brutal slog, although it is a
double-edged sword. Sometimes my
landmark is so far out that the thought of how long it’ll take to reach can make
giving up way too tempting.
Another issue is that I fear I’m robbing myself of an experience
by constantly living in the future and ignoring the present. A keeps reminding me that we love running, we
should be happy while we’re running. I think
this is code to not obsess about what’s ahead but revel in the journey your own
now, a concept I obviously do not embrace.
When I’ve tried practicing mindfulness and taking anatomical inventory (“checking
in” with my body, so to speak), I’ve found it only makes me lose motivation and
become negative. So for me the challenge
is how to stay grounded in the moment but still focused on the goal.
When we embarked on our marathon training, I foolishly
thought the point was to get my body strong and ready for race day. More and more I’m realizing that physical strength
is linear, mechanical, and will be a natural byproduct of dedication and diligence. It’s building mental strength that has been
elusive and frustratingly nonlinear. I
hope that in these last few weeks leading up to the race I find the right
alchemy to create the mental fortitude I need to help me reach my goal.
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